The Greatest Story Ever Told. Pt. 4
If you only read one of these posts, make it this one. It’s long, but worth it.
Moving Day. We got up pretty early and went and had our customary breakfast tacos at Torchy’s before starting the move. Everyday we went to Torchy’s and we sat out on the patio. This is worth mentioning because there was always a bird or two on the patio, which FREAKED YELLOWDOSE OUT. I’m not talking about a hawk or and eagle or anything, I’m not even talking about a woodpecker, I’m talking about a little black bird. He kept trying to point out the bird’s beak as being the reason for his worry, which as you can imagine was pretty hilarious to all of us. With no one being the designated truck organizer person the inside of the truck quickly became a giant pile of furniture. Naturally, I stepped up, being the supreme packer and organizer that I am, to oversee the operation. Not really, but I did find this sweet amish-looking hat that I can only assume was Lauren’s, but maybe it was Terrell’s. I don’t know. Putting that on and buttoning my flannel only at the top only improved my already keen eye for organizing things into a box truck. When everything was in the truck, with room to spare I might add, we headed over to Terrell’s new place. The new place was a MASSIVE improvement over the last, so it’s not hard to understand why Terrell made us stay at the old but empty place. It’s ok, he left us a small tv, a futon, and an air mattress, no heat though. We loaded everything in pretty fast. Well I say “we”, but Yellowdose was mostly drinking the beer and eating the snacks that Lauren and her mom had brought us, so I guess I should say “some of us” instead. He did help bring in the mattress, which was a pain, but at the other end of the mattress was Darren who I’m pretty sure was at one end of every piece of heavy furniture we had.
Once we finished getting everything in we started cruising around the driveway and a game of B-I-K-E was started up, I can’t remember who won though. Then we headed over to this sweet hip/bank setup that was right down the road to start riding. Everyone was just playing around for the most part, but then Trey called out this hop into the bank-thread the needle thru the bus stop line, but wasn’t really sure if he was gonna do it on account of it being pretty nuts. About that time, without giving it a second thought, Leigh just rolls up and monster trucks the curb and rolls down the bank thru the bus stop. We were all pretty surprised and stoked that Leigh just fired it out, including Trey. Then after some discussion about what adding the hop into the bank would add to the difficulty, Leigh just decides he’s going for it. I yelled for him to wait for me to grab my camera, but he just needed to do it without thinking or waiting. Luckily Zack got some shots of it because it was awesome. Then we packed up and headed over to this drainage ditch next to a railroad track and under a bridge, which was like something in a video game. Everyone was having fun and throwing down some pretty sweet moves and all of the sudden we hear a train horn. Trey was actually sitting on the tracks when the train came around the corner barreling down the tracks that were mere feet away. I’m pretty sure it scared the shit out of all of us, but once it started going by everyone kept riding the quick-crete quarter that was right next to the speeding train. It was pretty sweet. We continued riding for a bit and then headed out to make our way back to Terrell’s. We stopped by this little bank to bank hop in jib, but I think everyone was kind of done. Or that’s what I thought until, again without any warning, Leigh does this sweet gap into the bank off this ledge. He had to land and immediately ride thru mud and muck to keep from falling, which of course only made it more awesome. We walked over and had some tacos at this Taco-Bell type establishment that served beer, so a few of the guys went ahead and got their first 1 or 2 beers of the evening in.
We all made our way back to Terrell’s old place to get ready to go out for the sweet dinner Lauren’s mom was treating us to for helping with the move. We arrived back at staggered times because some of us went straight back and some of us helped Terrell get the moving truck back to Uhaul. When I got back to the house the drinking had already started and I understand Leigh had already ingested an entire bottle of wine, which meant we were back to taking only Terrell’s truck to dinner. Not wishing to re-live that experience, Trey and Darren manned up and decided to ride in the back of the truck, which is illegal in the state of texas. Keep in mind it was probably in the high 40’s to low 50’s outside if you were just standing still, add to that speeding down the highway in an open bed and none of us were to keen to join them. We handed over our outerwear to the two of them to help block out the cold, which they used to basically mummify themselves, and then we headed to Hopdoddy. Hopdoddy is a fancy burger and beer place in Austin, and when we showed up you would’ve thought we were trying to get in some elite dance club. There was a line around the side of the building and a bouncer at the door letting people in 1 or 2 at a time. While we were in line some girls walking by on the sidewalk told Trey that his pants were too tight, and without skipping a beat Darren says: “Your lips are too loose.” It might’ve been the funniest thing said on the trip. The line moved pretty fast and we got inside to get warm and chow down.
This is where the night gets REALLY interesting. The way Hopdoddy’s works is you basically stand in line all the way thru the restaurant. First the line goes by the bar where you order your drink, then you drink your drink while you stand in line to get to the back of the restaurant where your order your food. The special drink that night happened to be “Cerveza-Rita” which is a Coronita turned upside down in a very large margarita. As you drink, the beer in the bottle empties itself into the margarita. Gnarly. We sit down and have some pretty fantastic burgers, and Yellowdose, Trey, Zack, and Darren have two Cerveza-Rita’s and 1 double margarita piece. Yellowdose and Zack had a double margarita chugging contest right after Dose tried to slip some money down the waitress’ bra. In his defense he was already pretty hammered and misread her invitation to put the money in her apron, but still, she is not psyched. In fact, we don’t see that waitress again that evening I don’t think. We finish up there, and I think everyone excluding myself is already pretty inebriated. Yellowdose is so bad that as soon as we get across the street to hail a cab he falls down on the ground. It’s not even 11:00pm yet. We start trying to get a cab that can fit all seven of us when Yellowdose announces that he lives in New York and knows how to get a cab. Apparently in NY they stagger out into the middle of a busy four-lane road and start flailing their arms around and yelling, because this is what Yellowdose did. Cars and busses are going past him on both sides while he is literally in the middle of the street, and we’re all yelling at him to get out of the road before he gets hit or arrested or both. Not a second later a cop happens to drive up and gets on his little bullhorn rig and yells in the most condescending tone you can imagine, “GET OUT OF THE ROAD!”. It was awesome. Yellowdose tucks his tail and walks back over to us on the sidewalk. We resume our search for a cab when a seemingly random guy in a black caprice classic looking sedan pulls up and offers to drive all 7 of us in his 4 door car to our location. Those of us who aren’t drunk enough to think this is ok say no thanks, but Yellowdose, who is drunk enough, can’t understand why we wont get in his car. We can’t seem to explain to him that even if he is a legit driver, we’re still not going to fit in a 4 door sedan. We decide to split up and take two cabs, and we drag Yellowdose kicking and screaming into one of them. In my cab is Trey and I can’t remember whom else. I only remember Trey was there because he kept calling the driver “Cabbie” in a very condescending tone, and when the guy said he would take cards Trey got really bent out of shape.
When we got the group back together we started walking down to this place called Shakespeare’s. On the way Yellowdose decided to fall on the ground again, but it was agreed this was mostly for attention so we just left him there. We were watching from the other side of the parking lot as this column of people were walking down the sidewalk past him, most of them pointing and laughing. Then these two girls break away from the column and start walking towards him. We start yelling for them not to help him, he’s just being an ass, when to our surprise and delight one of the girls stands over him lying on the ground, and the other girl snaps a photo of her in that pose. We all die laughing, and then Darren and I go over to coax him to get up and go to the bar, which he doesn’t appreciate, but we get him up all the same. Zack and Leigh were the first ones at the door, the bouncer takes one look at Leigh and says “Holy shit, Road Fools 2!” it was Rad. We get into Shakespeare’s and at first glance this seems like a pretty awesome place. There’s a skate video being projected on the wall, Devon Hutchins is hanging out by the DJ, and Nina Buitrago is a bartender. If the other night we went to Austin’s version of The Jackpot, then we are now certainly in its 519. On any other night all this might have turned into a really good time, but on this night it turns into a really, really bad time.
Not long after getting there I keep noticing this guy kind of stalking us out of the corner of his eye. Finally he comes up and says hey to Leigh, and at some point I think we all get into a conversation with him. I talk to him and he introduces himself as Jake Finley; he informs me that he used to ride and that people called him the “peg-chink king” or something stupid like that. I tell him that I vaguely remember seeing him in videos. It’s pretty clear from the get-go that this guy is a total douche. He’s clearly drunk and talking like an idiot, and come to find out, I’m not the only one who didn’t like him. Around this time the power goes out. All the lights in the bar go out, the cash registers stop working and we kind of don’t know what to do. Yellowdose is drinking water when this girl comes around selling jello-shots. Now I wasn’t around for this, but Terrell was and told us all about it. Apparently Yellowdose thought he was going to haggle with this girl over the price of these jello-shots but was so drunk he ended up paying her significantly more than the original asking price for a handful of shots. It sounds like something Bugs Bunny would’ve pulled on Elmer Fudd, Yellowdose being Elmer in this scenario. As I walk up to this table where Leigh, Trey, Yellowdose, and our new best friend Jake are hanging out, I’ve got a nice buzz going. I’m not completely drunk, but I’m feeling good and thats where I want to be at the moment. About 5 minutes later I was completely sober. I’m going to give my accounting of what follows, and since I was the closest one to sobriety I pretty sure it’s the most accurate. Yellowdose being Yellowdose reaches out and smacks Trey across the face for no reason. Everyone’s pretty much used to this and Trey tells Yellowdose that he will get him back. He won’t know when or how, but he’ll get him back. Then Jake Finley takes it upon himself to smack Yellowdose across the face, to which Yellowdose is surprised, but doesn’t seem to care that much. What happened was Jake, misreading our feelings about him and his place in the group, thought he was getting Yellowdose back for Trey. He was just trying to keep up the game. Trey doesn’t quite get that part, or maybe he does; he just knows that this guy he doesn’t like just slapped his friend in the face. Trey and Jake go into a shit-talking session that threatens to come to blows, which then gets Yellowdose all riled up about is as well. Leigh and I are trying to keep the peace. From my point of view this guy totally overstepped his bounds by slapping Yellowdose, but I don’t see it worth fighting over. This guy is undoubtedly one of the biggest assholes any of us has ever met, but fighting would make an already downward spiraling night worse for everyone. Jake takes his jacket off when Trey tells him to go outside; apparently he thinks Trey wants to go outside and fight but Trey, like all of us, just wants him to go away. Trey says he’s not going to fight him, but keeps up the shit talk anyway. Finally a bartender comes over to try to calm things down and we’re able to get Jake to go away. The power is still completely out at this point, and now we’re standing around this table, everyone on edge, with full drinks left. It’s pretty clear no one wants to stay at this point, but Trey thinks we should finish our drinks. No one even wants to drink these drinks, so after a minute I just pick them up, throw them in the trash, and try to usher everyone out.
Finally we get out of Shakespeare’s and are trying to decide whether to head home or to another bar. Once again an unmarked vehicle comes up and the driver offers to take us to our destination. This time however, it’s an old suburban with pieces of it smashed up, and the guy driving it is clearly drunk. Yellowdose again can’t understand why we won’t get in the guys truck, and doesn’t think the guy is drunk at all, which is funny because Yellowdose in his current state should’ve been able to pick out the drunk ones from the sober ones, no problem… We decide to walk down to The Side Bar, the place we ended up at a couple nights ago. When we get there, I for one start lightening back up, and we resume the fun portion of the evening. Yellowdose is still drinking water, in fact he hasn’t had another alcoholic beverage since the restaurant, which is now going on 2 hours ago. Darren quickly starts catching up to Yellowdose until the bartenders will only serve him water. At one point I see him talking to this girl who has a very bored and annoyed look on her face. I was amused. Zack is going around asking girls “Hey, wanna have sex?” and when they reply no, he says “aight.” and walks away. I was even more amused. Zack starts asking a group of us how we are going to top his 30th birthday, which I don’t think any of us think is possible. We continue drinking and hanging out there until close at 2 am. Towards the end of the night I go to pee and Darren either slams open or slams close the door to the bathroom, and immediately gets scolded by a passing bartender. Darren had some smart-ass remark that was very funny, but I can’t remember what it was. The bar closed and we walked out to hit up a food trailer and get a cab home. On the way to this food trailer, Trey pushed Zack into a corrugated metal wall, and Zack being too drunk to stop it, careens face-first into the wall and breaks one of the arms off of his glasses. He continues to remind us of this the rest of the night. In Austin they don’t really have food “trucks” because all of the trucks are fixed semi-permanently to the spot, so they call them food “trailers”. It’s pretty sweet. We go to this Korean BBQ trailer down the street that is very busy. On the way we pass by a trailer called Kebab-a-licious, where we ate the other night, and a still completely drunk Yellowdose announces he’s going to eat there. Once again we’re dragging him along, as we make our way to this other trailer. As soon as we get in line, Zack and Trey veer off to go begin puking. They disappear for a while and return barely able to stand. It’s hilarious. They’re falling all over each other, and at one point while Zack is telling me for the hundreth time that his glasses are broken, Trey is actually laying passed out in the gutter of the street. I’m laughing and taking pictures, and when I go and re-join the group I realize Darren is nowhere to be found. While I’m trying to look around and figure where he’s gone off to, a very drunk Yellowdose pushes a very drunk Trey. Very drunk Trey can’t stop himself so he bowls into a very drunk Zack who is about 10 ft away leaning on a sign post next to the street. When very drunk Trey hits very drunk Zack, very drunk Zack falls right over backward into the street. The sound of very drunk Zack’s body hitting the concrete would’ve been alarming if it wasn’t so hilarious. Terrell is the only one besides me who is not too drunk to function, so he goes off looking for Darren, and finds him about 2 blocks away. Turns out Darren left his debit card at the bar, and the next day couldn’t believe he walked over a block PAST the bar. I believed it. When everyone was back together and our tummies were full, we got two cabs and headed home.
Leigh, Yellowdose, and Darren were in a cab with me and it was the best cab ride of my life. Our driver was an African guy named Wilson with a super thick accent and we were all joking with him and he was totally keeping up. I can’t really go into the things he was saying in a public forum, but trust me it was really, really funny. We got back to Terrell’s and Yellowdose instantly began bothering all of us with his shenanigans. This included him running full speed down the hallway and Terrell stiff-arming him directly in the face. Yellowdose crashed to the ground, and how his nose wasn’t broken I have no idea. We began getting ready for bed, Leigh was already passed out on the futon, and I was setting up my camp pad in Terrell’s room to escape the snore fest that was going to happen in the other room, not to mention that was where Yellowdose would be sleeping. Zack came to visit me while I was setting up my bed, but couldn’t walk so he crawled in and out of the room. Yellowdose’s next performance was giving Zack the gnarliest wedgie I’ve ever seen. He was alternating pulling on Zack’s undies and spanking his bare ass as hard as he could. Zack was so drunk he was just laughing uncontrollably, yelling Rape! Finally with a little help from Trey, Yellowdose had ripped his underwear completely off and into pieces leaving Zack naked in the fetal position laughing even harder. I almost felt bad, but it was just too funny. The last thing I remember was Yellowdose briefly going over to bother Darren, but leaving him alone when Darren informed him he was entering “The Choke Zone”. Terrell and I slept in one room, Leigh in one room, Trey, Darren, and Yellowdose in one room, but no one wanted the resident grizzly bear sleeping in their room so he spent the night snoring it up in the middle of the hallway. We pass out around 4 am having had one of the funniest nights of my life.